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7.31.2009

Friday Fun

I asked on Twitter and Facebook if I should write a food review or if I should just rant. Apparently no one actually cares for my food opinions and would rather have me just talk some shit about whatever I like or better yet, don't like. Ok.

When you sit down at a restaurant, do you pick up your knife and fork and start tapping them on the table and glasses and relive those memories of playing drums in your KISS tribute band in your parent's garage? Then you do the classic one arm drum style and say "look def leppard" while trying to impress your date? No? You don't play with your knife and fork like this because 1) you're an adult 2) these utensils are going to end up in your mouth 3) it would be rude and annoying to those around you.

So, why do you think this is acceptable behavior with your chopsticks? Eh, don't do that. Don't let your kids do this either. Its stupid and pisses me off. Just leave the chopsticks in their paper envelope and ask for a fork because I know your stupid ass doesn't know how to use them properly in the first place, order your california roll and edamame and shut the hell up.

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There was a letter to the editor in The Source Weekly a couple weeks ago by Doug LaPlaca, president of VisitBend. I like VisitBend and at the time I read his letter to the community in support of being courteous to our visitors for all the events in Bend and especially to the bicyclists that will be on the road, I agreed with him. Some 5k visitors to Bend is a good thing and can stimulate our economy in a minuscule way for a couple of weeks.

Of course, that's not really helping me out the other 50 weeks of the year and now that I've spent the last few weeks "sharing" the road with bicyclists I just want to say....GET OFF THE DAMN ROAD!!! Seriously, I CAN'T get to work or to my house in a timely manner with all the damn bike races. Here's a thought. Start your stupid race after 9am and finish that shit before 4pm if you're going to do the race on a weekday and block traffic for it. Or keep the races to the weekend.

I conducted a survey over the past 10 years and have learned that 87.8% of employed citizens of Bend drive to work between 8 and 9 am. Look, I have a car. I buy gas for my car. I buy gas for my car using money that I made at my job. The same job that I need to drive to in order to get said money. I'm fortunate enough to be one of the 80% of employed Bendites and I'd like to keep my job. But it is getting difficult when I can't get to work on time.

Also, when I'm driving on the road, I stay in between the yellow line on the left and the white line on the right. I don't drive ON EITHER of these lines. Hey environment friendly douche, feel free to stay in between the white bike lane line and the damn curb mmmkay. Riding on the white line is just begging for some rubbin. If there is a car behind me, we don't drive side by side, we make a single line. So when you and your bike buddies are side by side, I really want to give you a little bump. "And rubbin', son, is racin'"

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This comment came in on my review of the meal I ate at Greg's Grill like 8 years ago.

"Can you be more of a "tool" with your review? I have no idea what you mean by your analogy of the size of the place. I don't want my reviews of a restaurant by someone that thinks that Frodo rules...

I didn't read the rest of your review after you discredited yourself as a "normal" human being."


Alright champ, you can't say that you don't know what I mean by my analogy but then us a character from the same movie in your comment! You DID get the reference, liar face. And you definitely did read the rest of my review. I know you did, I have analytics bitch.

"Loved the Bartenders at your place and there drinks,Derek is a real talent and his art work was unbelieveable.Can't wait to get back this summer."

I always enjoy when people send in comments like they are emailing the owners. How stupid are you? Typing into a comment field is NOT going to magically send the restaurant an email from your Hotmail account. At what point in my review did you get the opinion that I own this place? I don't even know Derek and if I did, I'd probably not like him.

"Honestly, coming from LA and SF fresh food background, there are really NO decent High Class restaurant, just expensive and un-imaginative chemical cuisine. Having said that, High Tides is pretty good, though. Mostly, I'd rather cook with fresh ingredients at home, healthy for both body and wallet."

OOOO we are so honored to have your LA and SF palette in Bend. Seriously, who the EFF asked you? My blog, mine. Stick your LA and SF right up your AS... uh ... S. I love that with your amazing culinary history that you choose High Tides as your restaurant of choice. They are lucky to have your patronage.

"One of the worst pizzas I have ever had. It arrived cold and when I opened up the box I couldn't believe how small the pizza was. Twenty two dollars wasted. On a brighter note, the delivery person was nice."

I got nothing for you. On a brighter note, I really like that you spelled out twenty two dollars instead of just $22. I don't like numbers. Sutpid diggits!

"hope that dinner plate tastes better than it looks.... "

I hoped your comment read better than they did.

I'm still loving the comments and emails that I get. Keep em coming. Don't have a BORing weekend!

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7What? Got something to say?

Anonymous Elizabeth said...

Once again, BOR, you have left me laughing my a** off. If you could just publish a rant a day I could just laugh it off rather than trying to exercise it off.

July 31, 2009  
Blogger Laura said...

It drives me nuts when cyclists ride AGAINST traffic, in the bike lane.

July 31, 2009  
Anonymous Laura said...

Wow, as a friend of a cyclist who is recovering form being hit at 50 MPH by a guy grabbing for his cell, thats pretty offensive. Next time you think about bumping a cyclist think about how it would feel to have an injury or death on your hands. Not funny stuff. I had your blog on my bookmarks but I think I'm done with this blog.

July 31, 2009  
Anonymous squirrel said...

this has to be my favorite. so far

July 31, 2009  
Blogger mugmkr said...

I love it, great rant! I do want to point out, though, as a cyclist, that most drivers may not be aware that there are serious issues with the bike lanes in Bend. Broken glass, scattered gravel, man-eating sewer grates, fallen tree branches, pine cones, etc. So sometimes the cool, law abiding cyclists like myself might look like the "bad apples" but they are just avoiding obstacles.
For all you cyclists out there, the best advice I can give you is to remember that you are 100% invisible when you are riding. No driver can see you, no driver is looking for you, and they are all using cell phones. So take your safety seriously, expect no respect from cars, ride defensively, and you'll be fine. (And, with all the calories you've burned off, and the money you are saving on gas, you can eat at all the great restaurants this blog reviews and stay skinny! Not to mention that parking is not an issue with a bike!)

August 15, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are fucking hilarious.

August 30, 2009  
Blogger James said...

Rant on about oblivious cyclists. Having been a life-long cyclist, I have sense enough to follow the rules of the road. Primarily, unless you are on a closed course, you ALWAYS ride single file. I know you think that Spandex acts like traffic teflon, but it doesn't. Nobody is impressed with your arrogance, and nobody should cut you slack if you are in the lane of traffic going at bike speeds. If you are travelling at highway speeds, by all means ride down the middle of the road. If you can't pull that off, stay in the bike lane.

March 12, 2010  

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